For many people, social acceptance and connections are important and gives us purpose. When we focus too much on what others want and need, we forget about our own needs. Some of us are raised to ask for very little and to always be there for others. No matter what it may seem like, you are in control of your own life. Do you or a loved one always feel that you need to please others before you please yourself?
Some of us may have a hard time saying no or that if we do not do what others expect of us that others will not like or accept us. How many times this month have you had to cancel important plans of your own to be there for someone else? People-pleasing can be physically, emotionally, and mentally draining. When we spend more time focusing on what others need or want, we forget to focus on our own needs and then they become neglected.
Signs of being a people-pleaser
- The inability to say no
- You do not make “you” time
- You address others needs before your own
- You have anxiety about what others think
- You agree even when it goes against your own beliefs/values
Beliefs that you may have as a people-pleaser
- I should not burden anyone with my problems
- My problems are not important
- I should always know what other people need
- I should serve others and not ask for anything in return
- I should always be available to help
- I should never say no
How to set healthy boundaries
- Take care of yourself first. If we cannot help ourselves, then how can we expect ourselves to help others?
- Understand your worth. Just because you want to take the time to focus on your own needs does not mean you are being selfish; it is important to know when others are taking advantage of you.
- Start with small changes. We cannot change who we are overnight, we cannot expect to change and focus on our own needs and self all at once.
- Make your mental health a priority. We may think that nothing can bring us down, but when we ignore our own health and needs it can deteriorate quickly, having a huge impact on our mental health.
- Be realistic with yourself. We cannot accomplish everything even when we wish or think we could. There is only so much time in the day!
- We must understand what we want to improve with our boundaries. Do we want to have more time to focus on our mental and physical health? Do we want to be able to tell those close to us “no” when we do not have the time?
- Ask yourself what it is that you need for your mental, physical, and spiritual well-being. What boundaries will allow you to focus on all three parts of your well-being?
- It is important to ask ourselves what we are willing to change? Some of us are only willing to change so much because we have been a people-pleaser our whole lives. We cannot expect ourselves to set boundaries that we are unwilling to change.
- Do things that make you feel good. Would focusing more on your health and well-being make you feel good? Some of us need to have hobbies outside of family and friends to feel good about what we are doing.
- Incorporate self-care to address your own needs. This may seem simple, but most of us have a hard time incorporating self-care and allowing ourselves the time to focus on ourselves.
If you are a chronic people-pleaser this is your sign to start putting as much effort and time you put into others into yourself. We are all human and we can all only accomplish so much. Be kind to yourself and know that focusing on yourself does not determine your worth to others. Take the time to separate yourself from toxic people who expect too much of you. If you need help with changing your behaviors towards people-pleasing, do not be afraid to reach out to a therapist for some counseling to help navigate your journey.
