Sometimes we may think we have boundaries set in place, even when we truly do not, or just do not follow through on those boundaries. This is common for us people-pleasers. When we are so focused on pleasing others, we forget to think about what is best for ourselves as well. This is where it is important to address our boundaries and implement new and healthy boundaries in relationships. Healthy relationship boundaries not only help us address our needs, but they also help to strengthen our relationship, understand and address relationship red flags, and improve our mental and physical health and well-being.
Boundaries can also help us create our own identity, aside from our partner and relationship. These boundaries can be both physical and psychological, such as accepting your goals or needing more physical touch or less touch. Your boundaries may look different than others and that is okay. If you struggle with setting or implementing boundaries, below are examples on reasons to set boundaries and steps to actually setting these boundaries for yourself and your relationship. If you need more help with boundaries or your relationship, therapy is a great option to think about.
Reasons to set healthy relationship boundaries:
- They can help us gain self-respect & feel in control of ourselves
- Helps build a sense of personal identity
- Helps to reduce codependency
- Helps to build structure & responsibility in relationships
- Helps us to feel safer in relationships
- Helps us understand & address our own wants, needs, goals, etc.
- Helps to reduce people-pleasing
- Helps to reduce conflict/confrontation
Steps to Setting Appropriate Boundaries
- Think about what boundaries you are needing
If we do not know what boundaries need to be set, how can we set boundaries? Understand what areas you are lacking boundaries and what boundaries can help you the most.
It is one thing to talk or think about setting boundaries and another thing to actually set and implement those boundaries. Be confident in yourself and set those boundaries.
- Create a plan for when someone over-steps those boundaries
People will always try to test your boundaries. It is up to you to implement consequences and be open to confronting people about over-stepping.
- Be open & honest with your partner(s) about your boundaries
If you do not convey your boundaries, you will always feel like people are crossing them. Boundaries are only healthy if we can be open and honest about them to create a stronger relationship and stronger foundation for ourselves.
- Re-evaluate your boundaries over time
What we need now may not be what we need in the future. Re-evaluate what boundaries will help your physical and mental health the most over time.
Evidence To Support Setting Healthy Boundaries
There is a significant body of research that supports the importance of setting healthy relationship boundaries in relationships. Here are a few examples:
A study published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships found that having strong boundaries in romantic relationships is associated with greater relationship satisfaction and less conflict (1). The study also found that individuals who reported having strong boundaries were more likely to feel that their partner was respecting their autonomy and independence.
Another study published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology found that setting and maintaining boundaries can help individuals reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety (2). The study also found that individuals who had a history of experiencing boundary violations in their relationships had higher levels of distress.
A review of the literature on the topic published in the Journal of Family Theory & Review found that setting healthy relationship boundaries can help individuals establish a sense of self and develop a clearer sense of personal identity (3). The review also noted that having clear boundaries in relationships can help individuals develop healthier coping mechanisms and reduce the likelihood of experiencing interpersonal stress.
Chung, J. M., et al (2019) discussed how romantic attachment styles affect self-esteem and satisfaction with life: The mediating role of relationship boundary management. This study examines how different romantic attachment styles (secure, avoidant, and anxious) affect self-esteem and satisfaction with life, and how relationship boundary management mediates this relationship. The results suggest that individuals with a secure attachment style are more likely to have higher self-esteem and life satisfaction, and that effective boundary management skills can mediate the link between attachment style and these outcomes. This highlights the importance of developing healthy relationship skills in order to maintain positive self-esteem and satisfaction with life.
Clarke, J. A., et al (2015) introduced the concept of boundary extension to assess the malleability of visual perception in young and older adults. This study explores the concept of “boundary extension,” which refers to the tendency to remember scenes as larger and including more objects than they actually were. The study found that older adults had a greater tendency towards boundary extension, suggesting that their perception of boundaries may become less distinct with age. This has implications for relationships, as older adults may need to be more vigilant in maintaining clear boundaries in order to prevent misunderstandings or conflicts.
Goodwin, R., Cook, O., & Yung, Y. F. (2016) looked at loneliness and life satisfaction among three cultural groups. This study examines the relationship between loneliness and life satisfaction in three cultural groups (British, Chinese, and Hong Kong Chinese). The results show that loneliness is negatively related to life satisfaction across all three groups. This highlights the importance of social connections in maintaining overall life satisfaction, and emphasizes the need for healthy relationships in order to combat feelings of loneliness.
Harper, D., & Rowland, D. T. (2015) researched building resilience through boundary management: A model of workplace bullying, recovery and support. This study explores how boundary management can help individuals recover from workplace bullying and build resilience. The study found that individuals who were able to effectively manage their boundaries were better able to cope with bullying and recover more quickly. This highlights the importance of boundary management skills in maintaining healthy relationships in all contexts, including the workplace.
Simpson, J. A., et al (2007) looked at attachment and the experience and expression of emotions in romantic relationships: A developmental perspective. This study examines how attachment styles (secure, avoidant, and anxious) influence the experience and expression of emotions in romantic relationships. The results suggest that attachment styles can shape how individuals experience and express emotions, which can have a significant impact on relationship quality. This highlights the importance of understanding one’s own attachment style and developing healthy relationship skills in order to foster positive emotional experiences in romantic relationships.
Overall, these studies and others provide evidence that setting healthy relationship boundaries in relationships is an important aspect of maintaining both individual and relational health and well-being. Boundaries are not always easy to think about or to put into place. Many of us strive on helping others and making sure others are happy and taken care of before ourselves. Boundaries can help with these things so that we can still help others in our relationships, while also helping ourselves. Boundaries do not always have to be the same for everyone. What works for some people do not always work for everyone.
Be mindful of what is going to be right for you when creating and setting boundaries. Be open to listening and following other people’s boundaries as well. We cannot expect our partner(s) to follow our boundaries if we cannot support and follow theirs as well. Do some research and ask others for support. If you struggle with setting boundaries, reach out to a trained therapist for help during this process of exploration and understanding.
