The holidays are a time for gathering with family and loved ones. However, spending extended time with our loved ones can also come with communication struggles. These struggles can sometimes extend into the new year. It can feel frustrating when trying to communicate your needs, wants, boundaries, or expectations to your extended family, spouse, or children. One approach to try this year with the mindset of bettering communication between your loved ones is utilizing Non-Violent Communication.
What is Non-Violent Communication (NVC), you may be asking yourself? Non-Violent communication is described as a language of compassion, emphasizing expressing ourselves with clarity, compassion, self-responsibility, empathy, and keeping the common good in mind. The opposite is Violent communication which involves threatening, shaming, judging, or coercing others to do what we want. Unfortunately, many of us have been taught to express our feelings regarding what another has “done to us.” We were not shown how to take ownership of our emotions and needed to ask healthily about our expectations and desires. This is where non-violent communication can be a great starting point!
There are four essential components when using non-violent communication. These are observations, feelings, needs, and requests.
- Observations
Observations are what we see and hear that we identify as the reasoning behind our reactions. The purpose is to take a step back to observe the event so we can describe what we are reacting to concretely, specifically, and neutrally.
The key to making observations is to separate our judgments, evaluations, and interpretations from our descriptions of what happened. For example, if I were to say, “You’re rude,” the other person would tend to disagree. However, if I said: “When you walked in, and I didn’t hear you say hello to me,” the other person is more likely to recognize what is being described.
When we can explain what we see or hear without mixing in evaluation, we raise the likelihood of the person hearing us without immediately wanting to respond. They will be more open to hearing your feelings and needs.
- Feelings
Feelings represent our emotional and physical experiences associated with our needs that are met or are unmet. The aim is to identify, name, and connect with those feelings. The key to identifying and expressing feelings is focusing on words that describe our inner world instead of words that describe our interpretations of people’s actions.
For example, “I feel lonely” describes an inner experience while saying, “I feel like you don’t love me,” represents an interpretation of how the other person may be feeling.
By expressing our feelings, we can continue taking responsibility for our experience, which helps our loved ones hear what is important to us with a reduced likelihood of hearing criticism or blame of themselves.
- Needs
Before making a request, getting curious about the difference between your feelings and unmet needs is essential. The outer expression of feelings like anger and frustration are often indicators of unmet needs such as love and acceptance. This third step requires the person to look inside themselves and, through practice, expand their vocabulary of feeling words, increasing the ability to pinpoint and describe their needs. The ability to accurately describe unmet needs will help make more effective requests.
- Requests
The last step of non-violent communication is to make specific and doable requests. Requests are made in a way that helps promote a compassionate response from the receiver and minimizes defensiveness. It is important to note that requests are never demanded, as non-violent communication considers demands to be a form of violent communication. Remember, violent communication is anything forceful or intimidating, which is a source for ineffective and unhelpful communication exchanges.
All requests with non-violent communication are positive, meaning you are stating what do want instead of what you do not want. An example of this might be, “I’d like you to spend more time with me at home,” rather than, “I don’t want you to spend so much time at work.” Identifying and including feelings and needs with your requests requires being conscious of what you are asking for and why you are asking it.
It is important to remember that non-violent communication is not a formula and can be molded to fit each context. Non-violent communication, at its core, is a form of communication that emphasizes compassion, empathy, and consciousness of deeper needs to help bettering communication between your loved ones with non-violent communication. Remember, this all takes practice! Maya Angelou said, “Do the best you can until you know better. Then, when you know better, do better.”
