When in romantic relationships, sometimes our jealousy can be more than just normal jealousy. When we feel resentful of our partners part relationships, feel anxiously attached, or feel as if we are not good enough, this is called retroactive jealousy. This type of jealousy can be from past experiences, being abandoned, or just not feeling good enough about ourselves. Have you ever been jealous of your partners past dating history or specific past partners?
Do you ever think about your partners past sexual involvement? These are signs of retroactive jealousy. We must know the characteristics and signs of retroactive jealousy to address these signs with coping strategies. If you fear that your jealousy may be retroactive, be aware of the signs listed below to feel better about yourself and the relationship that you are in.
Signs of retroactive jealousy:
- Doubting/not trusting your partner
This jealousy can have you questioning what they are doing at all times when not with you. This can also cause you to search their phone and social media out of fear of who they are talking to.
- Frequently thinking of your partners past partners
With this you may be imagining the perfect person and relationship. This makes you question your current relationship, what you look like, things you are interested in, and much more.
You may find yourself searching for what your partners ex’s look like, what people they find attractive look like, all to compare to yourself.
- You try to control their relationships
This can be their relationships with ex’s or even friendships with the opposite sex. You may even not let them speak to anyone of the opposite sex.
How to overcome retroactive jealousy:
- Try to resist giving into jealousy
When you notice times when you are jealous, tell yourself these are just unhealthy worries and try doing something to distract yourself in the moment.
- Work on staying in the present
Retractive jealousy takes us into the past, stay grounded in order to focus on the present.
- Work on building self-esteem
Building self-esteem will allow you to feel more confident in yourself as well as your relationship.
- Let your partner know why you may be jealous
This can be scary but being honest will give them the opportunity to reassure you, put your mind at ease, and help you through any questions that you may have.
- Think about what is causing the jealousy
Is this jealousy truly coming from your partners past or is it coming from your own past experiences in relationships? Did you lose trust from someone in the past or were you abandoned by someone?
- Let your partner know what can help
This can be them giving you a little bit more attention, them taking you around friends, giving you compliments, telling you they love you more often, etc. Be willing to ask for what you need to not be as jealous.
Relationships can be hard after experiencing a lack of trust, controlling partners, abandonment, or issues with self-esteem. We must be willing to work on ourselves so that we can become less jealous and strengthen our relationships. Sometimes we may not know how jealous we have become, so it is important to pay attention to the signs of jealousy that we are showing. Understand that what is in the past cannot be changed and that what is happening right now in the present is what is important.
Sometimes we must give our partners the benefit of the doubt and trust that they will make the right decisions and treat us with respect. If you struggle with jealousy personally or in your relationship, reach out to a trained therapist for help. Individual and couples counseling can help you with the tools to overcome jealousy and work on self-esteem and strengthening your relationship.
