Being a people pleaser means that we accommodate the needs of others before thinking about our own needs. Do you find yourself wanting to please others or doing so to reduce conflict? When people-pleasing, we go above and beyond for others and to make them happy. People-pleasing can come from our own insecurities and self-esteem. This extensive amount of pleasing others causes stress, anxiety, burnout, and feeling emotionally drained. Being a people pleaser makes us alter our true self to make others happy even if this isn’t our typical behaviors.
These actions allow others to take advantage of us when we constantly people please. This shows others, family, and partners, that their needs will always come before your own. People pleasing also means that we may take blame and apologize for things out of our control. Have you ever ordered coffee for someone, and it came out wrong, but you feel it is still your fault? Do you say I’m sorry frequently?
When you are a people pleaser, you have a hard time showing how you truly feel and do not feel like you can voice your own opinions. Just like telling your partner it is “okay” even when it is not or saying they did not make you feel bad when they actually did. This may be the case in many situations because of the fear of conflict and the thought of conflict upsetting you.
Signs that you are a people pleaser:
- You cannot say no. When someone asks for your help, it can be helpful to say yes, but over time people tend to expect that you will always be there to help.
- You do not have or make time for yourself. With the little of extra time you do have, you use it helping others instead of addressing your own physical and emotional needs.
- You have low self-esteem. People pleasers tend to want others to like them or feel like if they do not please others, that they are less than them even though that is not the case.
- You agree to things you do not agree with to avoid confrontation. Those that people please do not like confrontation or conflict and will do anything to avoid it, even if that means going against their beliefs or needs.
- You ignore your own needs. People pleasers chose to give all of their time and energy to the needs of others. This means that in order to focus on the needs of others they must give up addressing their own needs.
- You become burdened by other people’s feelings. People pleasing can make us feel resentful over time. This resentment makes us feel like other people’s feelings are no longer important because of feeling burnt out.
- You feel guilty for saying no or setting healthy boundaries. Saying no is very hard for people pleasers and become more difficult the more we care of others needs before our own. This also means that it is nearly impossible to set healthy boundaries if one cannot say no. Just like choosing between going out and finishing a school or work assignment and not being able to say no to focus on that assignment.
Ways to stop people pleasing:
- Stop apologizing and saying sorry
- Make time for yourself
- Set goals for yourself
- Practice saying no
- Set healthy boundaries
- Practice putting yourself first
- Think about your own needs
- Take time when responding to someone else’s needs
- Speak to a trained professional, counselor, social worker, therapist
These are easier said than done but using support from a therapist can help you stay on track when working on not being a people pleaser. These prioritize can lead to good or bad mental, physical, and emotional health. Interpersonal skills are good to have but people pleasing only hurts us over time. People pleasing causes self-neglect, depression, and anxiety. It can also lead to frustration, resentment, and disengagement.
