Facing abandonment as a child can be a huge form of trauma. Trauma is life altering and this abandonment can show up later in adulthood in many ways that we do not even realize. Abandonment can be a part of or trigger an anxiety disorder.
This anxiety comes from the fear of being left by a loved one. This abandonment as a child can decrease our abilities to form lasting relationships out of fear of being left again. Abandonment issued can be caused by a parent or caretaker leaving us, this can be permanent abandonment or just long periods of time, but then they come back.
This also can cause us to act as the adult in order to take care of ourselves. Another cause of abandonment could also be from the death of a loved one. When we do not fully understand life and death, then it can make it difficult to not feel abandoned by those we love dearly.
Ways abandonment shows up in adulthood
- Entering into unhealthy relationships
These types of relationships may include physical or emotional abuse. It can also be with someone who avoids commitment. This is done because of not wanting to commit yourself out of fear.
- Becoming attached or clingy in a relationship
This is when we become very close to the other individual very soon in the relationship. We may feel that we need attention or need to be around this individual all of the time out of fear of being alone and needing to feel that connection.
This anxiety may not be from a lack of trust in them, but a fear that they may not return. This anxiety can arise even when they show no signs of abandoning you or wanting to leave.
- Needing to people-please
As a people-pleaser you may feel like you need to make others happy so that they will not leave. This can include pretending to like things that others like, just so that you are liked and included.
- Keeping feelings to yourself-
This may be done because you fear that if you share how you feel that they will leave. You may also do this out of fear of being emotionally connected to someone else or that someone will think that your feelings do not matter.
- Feeling like you are not good enough or do not deserve love
When we are abandoned by someone we love, we may feel that we will never feel love or that we will never experience the same love again. This may make you believe that love is not real or that you are unlovable.
Ways to face abandonment issues:
- Understand that it was not your fault
When we are abandoned, we may feel like we did something wrong, but really, the other person left not you.
Being abandoned can cause a whirlwind of emotions, allow yourself to recognize and validate these feelings.
Therapy can help us face our past traumas and how this trauma is affecting us currently. Therapy can also help us form secure attachments and better regulate our emotions.
Types of therapy to try:
- Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT)
- Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT)
- Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy (EMDR)
- Explore new things to better understand yourself
Understanding yourself can help you identify how abandonment is impacting you as well as releasing built up emotions.
- Show yourself compassion
Be kind to yourself instead of thinking that you did something wrong, commend yourself for all that you have faced.
No matter what age you experience abandonment, it can be difficult and create lasting effects. Abandonment can make us not want to commit to relationships or it can make us commit to unhealthy ones. Abandonment is not something that can be healed overnight. Try taking a few steps to help move past abandonment issues.
Validating your feelings is a huge step to help yourself heal. Be aware of and accepting of all of your emotions, you have been through a lot and deserve to feel these emotions. Consider seeking out a trained therapist for help in processing trauma. CBT, DBT, and EMDR are great therapies to help process the trauma faced revolving around abandonment. Most of all, show yourself compassion, dealing with abandonment issues is not easy.
