Do you find it scary to communicate your needs, especially with a partner? Communicating our needs can be extremely difficult, even more so if we do not fully understand our needs as well. Communication and needs are not purely physical, these things are very much emotional.
There is never going to be a right time to discuss your needs, which can make it even more scary. For some of us who have experienced traumatic or bad past relationships, it can be even scarier to communicate our needs. This is also why communicating these needs are extremely important.
Chances are that you may be afraid that conveying your needs will make your partner upset, they may act out badly, or they may think your needs are unimportant. Even though these thoughts are created from past experiences, does not mean these experiences will happen again. These thoughts may also be from what we were taught as a child. Being vulnerable is scary, but it is also important.
Steps to take when it is scary to communicate our needs:
- Be aware of and understand your needs
It can be less scary to communicate our needs when we fully understand them ourselves. Be mindful and fully evaluate what your needs are.
- Learn to resolve conflict
Communication may be scary, and you may want to ignore anything that causes conflict, but this is not good for healthy relationships. Work together as a couple to resolve conflict and listen to each other.
- Create a distraction free zone when speaking to your partner about your needs
Be open about wanting to take time to talk. Create a serene environment that will create less distraction during conversations.
- Write down your feelings and needs
This will help you better understand them and also helps you know what you want/will say. This also helps you not forget something that you feel is important to bring up.
We may not have any reason for them and still have negative thoughts about communicating our needs. Name your fears and call them out so that you can learn to fill this space with more positive thoughts.
Therapy can help us address our fears. It can also help us feel more confident in our communication and our needs.
Needs that are important to communicate with your partner:
- Physical needs
This can include food, exercise, touch, sleep, and safety.
- Emotional needs
This can be understanding, time, compassion, appreciation, respect, nurturing, etc.
- Sexual needs
This can include being playful, expectations, assertiveness, safety, protection, and more.
- Autonomy needs
These include your independence, choices/decisions, freedom, or time alone, etc.
- Financial needs
How much you each make/spend, what you want to invest in, who pays for what, and much more.
Communicating our needs can seem scary, even when we have a supportive partner. These thoughts come into play because of how people have made us feel in the past, whether that be in relationships or even within our family. With these feelings it can be likely that at some point your needs were not met or you were told that your needs are unimportant.
These thoughts can also be a sign of experiencing past trauma. Learn to understand your needs and what it is that you are wanting to communicate with your partner. Do not catch your partner off guard when they are least expecting a conversation.
Be open and honest with your partner no matter how mad they may get. If you struggle with communication skills or find that you and your partner need extra help communicating, reach out to a trained therapist for help. Individual and couples counseling can be extremely beneficial for learning how to properly communicate and understand each other’s needs.
